ALL WASHED UP

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the Fleurieu Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.  

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."  

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?" 

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".

The Vocational service Director has noted that we have the following membership in our club:
Accountant:
Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor:
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker:
A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but who wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist:
An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician:
Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary:
Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
Programmer:
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician:
A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
Topologist:
A man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
Lawyer:
A person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
Psychologist:
A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Professor:
Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Schoolteacher:
A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant:
Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Financial Planner:
Someone who has less than 10% of your wealth but who can show you how to make money.
Diplomat:
Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will actually look forward to the journey.

 It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.   For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure.. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum shortly after publishing this letter.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby.

His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Ron, somehow, without looking, accidentally fell  down on his golf club. 

FIFTY BUCKS:

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,  And every year Bill would say,  "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

SHAMPOO DANGER!!
DO NOT shampoo your hair in the shower, as the shampoo runs down your body when you are rinsing off your hair... I'm so relieved to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! This IS A WARNING to all of us!
 
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
 
No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start Showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

AFL UMPIRES:

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument about the AFL.

Satan wanted a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand picked players.

"Very well," said St Peter (the gatekeeper of Heaven). "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the best players and the smartest coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

PHONE CALL:

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on the fishing trip with you!"

HOW'S YOUR HEARING?

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”

The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”

After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”

She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!

HOW MANY RABBITS?

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now

JOKES ONLY ENGINEERS WILL UNDERSTAND

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?
Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

SOME CASUAL OBSERVATIONS:

• Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.
• What is small, red and whispers? – A hoarse radish.
• Two silkworms had a race – it ended in a tie.
• “The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.”
• A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.
• Jesus is on Twitter. Mind you he’s only got the 12 followers.
• Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy.
• What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• “Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.”
• Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
• “What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra.
• “For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
• “Say what you want about the deaf…”
• “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad. I take something for it.”
• “My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s eighty-five and we don’t know where he is.”

BAND AID:

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

PUN 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, . . . and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
 
PUN 2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
 
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
 
PUN 3. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
 
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said,
 
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
 
PUN 4. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
 
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying,
 
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
 
PUN 5. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
 
This just goes to prove that... the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

YELLOW 24

A man is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.
 
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.  It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.  There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
 
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
 
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
 
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
 
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
 
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
 
'Well I'll be,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

Blonde???

Blonde Again ???