ROTARY HUMOUR

 ROTARY HUMOUR:

Drugs:

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

 

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

 

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.

 

But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

 

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

 

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'   He hadn't and said so.

 

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

 

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

 

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

 

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

 

'Well, what is it then?  What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

 

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

 

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

 

'Yes!' he replied.

 

'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

An Engineer or a Doctor?

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not succesful get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!

That will be $500.


LEXOPHILIA: Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."   A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it.

..And the cream of the twisted crop:  Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


SEX AFTER DEATH?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together,the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ....Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

Goodbye Granddad (Aussie Humour?)

"No dear -- I'm a rabbit in Victor Harbor

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,

Of red backs quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!


Now I’m 72 and have your respect, let me comment on life as I know it!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet!

 I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment; now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it! 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice


GOOD MEDICINE:

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed"


Christmas gift.
A man asked his wife what she wanted for Christmas.
I'd like something that's silver and shiny and goes from 0 to 150k in three seconds
.
So he went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales!


What causes people to have arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. 

After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, 
"Say, father, what causes arthritis?" 
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." 
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" 
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

CHECK OUT
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to Nick Xnathon about this running amok Homeland Security crap, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Damn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors


MORE CORN
1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

3. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

4. What do you call a fish with no eyes?   A fsh.

5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

6. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

10. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'.

12. An Irish girl got engaged to an Eskimo.  It didn’t last.  She broke it off. 

13. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

14. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

15. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

16. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

HOW ENCOUNTER BAY ROTARIANS UNDERSTAND COMPUTERS:


LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.  
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.  
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.  
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.  
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.  
WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.  
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.  
CHIP: A pub snack.  
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.  
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.  
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.  
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.  
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.  
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.  
WEB: What spiders make.  
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.  
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.  
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.  
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.  
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.  
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.  
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.  
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

ABOUT LIFE:

  • I had amnesia once - or twice. 
  • Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 
  • All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 
  • I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 
  • If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle. 
  • What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
  • They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. 
  • Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway. 
  • Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 
  • Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions? 
  • One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 
  • When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
  • A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries. 
  • What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? 
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
  • The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 
  • How can there be self-help "groups"? 
  • Is there another word for synonym? 
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 
  • Is it possible to be totally partial? 
  • Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? 
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. 
  • It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. 
  • Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
  • Why is there only one Monopolies Commission
When GOLF and RELIGION COME TOGETHER:

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.  So he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.  

 

As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.  

 

When he arrived at the first tee, he was alone; after all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!  

 

At about this same time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"   

 

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."  

 

Just then, Father Norton hit the ball.  It shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!    

 

St. Peter was astonished.  He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" 

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


GOLFING WISDOM:
Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Victor Harbor, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex ....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

AT THE GATE:

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

 

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

 

The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.

 

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

 

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

 

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???

ALL WASHED UP

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the Fleurieu Coast

 

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

 

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.  

  

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

 

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."  

 

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

  

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

  

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

  

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

 

"Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?" 

 

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".


ONE LINERS
 
Some great one liners here:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ....... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


EINSTEIN:


Albert Einstein was a theoretical physicist widely regarded as one of the most influential scientists of all time.
 
He is also famous for some of his quotes.
Here are some inspirational quotes by this brilliant person to kick start your week.
 
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
“Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.”
“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects.”
“Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts.”
“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.”
“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.”

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
 
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


EGGSQUISITE

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Bert's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Bert's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bell!


Paddy's donkey:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' 

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' 

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' 

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' 

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' 

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' 

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' 
Paddy said, 'Sure I can.
Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' 

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' 

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898.' 

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' 

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his $2 back.' 

Footnote: Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland. 


IT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up.  

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'  

 

The maths teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'  

Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

BY DEFINITION:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a bad sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.


BY DEFINITION:

The Vocational service Director has noted that we have the following membership in our club:
Accountant:
Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor:
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker:
A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but who wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist:
An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician:
Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary:
Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
Programmer:
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician:
A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
Topologist:
A man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
Lawyer:
A person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
Psychologist:
A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Professor:
Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Schoolteacher:
A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant:

Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Financial Planner:
Someone who has less than 10% of your wealth but who can show you how to make money.
Diplomat:
Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will actually look forward to the journey.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

 It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.   For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure.. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum shortly after publishing this letter.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby.

His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Ron, somehow, without looking, accidentally fell  down on his golf club. 

FIFTY BUCKS:

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,  And every year Bill would say,  "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

 Blanche always replied,  "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,  And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,  "Blanche, I'm 85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied,  "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said,  "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.” Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,  But still not a word...  When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,  "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!"

Bill replied,  "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out,  But you know,  Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"


PLAY ON WORDS:

  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  • Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Exercise for People Over 50

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then
relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then
eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

4. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

WISDOM:

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.         

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,  RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.          

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop®  and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany  ...         

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an  MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread sheet with email  on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.       

Finally, he prints out a  full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet®  printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and  calves."          

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.       

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car. 

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"          

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."   

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra."  says the old timer.               

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"           

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

SHAMPOO DANGER!!
DO NOT shampoo your hair in the shower, as the shampoo runs down your body when you are rinsing off your hair... I'm so relieved to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! This IS A WARNING to all of us!
 
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
 
No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start Showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!


AFL UMPIRES:

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument about the AFL.

Satan wanted a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand picked players.

"Very well," said St Peter (the gatekeeper of Heaven). "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the best players and the smartest coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

PHONE CALL:

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on the fishing trip with you!"

HOW'S YOUR HEARING?

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”

The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”

After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”

She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!

HOW MANY RABBITS?

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now

JOKES ONLY ENGINEERS WILL UNDERSTAND

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?
Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

SOME CASUAL OBSERVATIONS:
  • Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.
  • What is small, red and whispers? – A hoarse radish.
  • Two silkworms had a race – it ended in a tie.
  • “The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.”
  • A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.
  • Jesus is on Twitter. Mind you he’s only got the 12 followers.
  • Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • “Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.”
  • Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
  • “What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra.
  • “For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
  • “Say what you want about the deaf…”
  • “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad. I take something for it.”
  • “My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s eighty-five and we don’t know where he is.”
BAND AID:


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Girl at the Beach:

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave... The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

The SATNAV

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the darn thing off.

Twins:

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Smart Dog:

 

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

 

Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

 

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Wheelchair Challenges.

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

 

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again!!!'

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS        

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.   At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


IF IT AIN’T BROKE

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." 

A GOOD FEED

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

THE FUTURE

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? 

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. 

HEAVEN BY RESULTS

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." 
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" 
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." 
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub "

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Dental Office

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1964."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

AVID GOLFER

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." 

GROWING OLD:

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my  age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?'  

  

Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:

One Day a man was walking along a beach in Victor Harbor. He was very upset and depressed having had yet another argument with his wife. He was cursing and swearing.

Then out of the sky came a loud voice.. The man said, “GOD is that you?” The voice then replied, “YES, my son it’s me, why are you so upset? Can I help you, let me grant you whatever you want if it will make you happy”.

So the man thought about it for a bit, and then replied back, “I want you to build me a freeway from Victor Harbor to the Adelaide oval. That way I can drive there any time to see the Crows play without traffic hassles”.  God then said, “Are you sure about this? Think about all the manpower and time this would take to build. Isn’t there anything else I could grant you???”

So the man thought some more. He then asked, “God grant me the power to understand women. I want to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad, what their thinking is and how to please them…… “

Long silence followed. Finally God speaks… “Did you say you wanted 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that freeway??? “

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Sign over Gynecologists Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tyre Shop in Adelaide: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment"

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

At a Melbourne Radiator Shop:  "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

HONEST HUSBAND

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticising throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
 
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.

PUN 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, . . . and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
 
PUN 2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
 
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
 
PUN 3. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
 
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said,

 
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
 
PUN 4. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
 
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying,

 
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
 
PUN 5. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
 
This just goes to prove that...
the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

YELLOW 24

A man is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.
 
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.  It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.  There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
 
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
 
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
 
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
 
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
 
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
 
'Well I'll be,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!


Blonde???

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde, 'They're watch dogs'!

Blonde Again ???

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what?  We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!  You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night.

IRISH ROTARIANS:

Two Irish Rotarians were working to beautify the city streets.
 
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, " I'm impressed by the effort you two Rotarians are putting into your work, but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally work as a three-person team. But today the Rotarian who plants the trees called in sick!"

A SENIOR TRIUMPHS!

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the internet. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.

The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Very Punny
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • I tried to catch some fog but I mist.
  • They told me I had Type-A blood but it was a Type-O.
  • The girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Some Famous Quotes

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

THE HOSPITAL BILL

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor
 
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
Open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
Pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
 
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
Irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." 


The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!  Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.


FOUR MARRIAGES:

The local newspaper was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
 
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
 
"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...   He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
 
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
 
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.  
 
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
 
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 
TWO BLONDES WITH HAMMERS!
 
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
 
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
 
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
 
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
 
Judy got completely upset & yelled 'You fool! Those nails aren't defective!
 
They're for the other side of the house!'

SCHOOL EXAMINATIONS!

The following questions were set in last year's examinations 
These are genuine answers (from 16/17 year olds) and soon they will be voting!!

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
     (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope!)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
    (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
   (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized
     (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.     (WHAT THE ???)                                                  

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
    (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
 (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
     (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
   (Brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Letter from an Irish mom to her son
 
Dear Son,
 
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him.  He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Growing Old(er).

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
  3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  6. If all is not lost, where is it?
  7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
  10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
  15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
  16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
  17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
  19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE...? 

A lesson in Government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask him what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''